SuAn

11:39 pm: mingle and mesh: we are all one
Fucking wow.

I already knew I was honest, I know I'm honest. But good god I'm really fucking honest. I think I'm the most honest person I've ever met. If you think about it, it sort of sucks being as honest I am, because it really gives the world wide open access to shitting on me. Which explains why it happens so much, but even knowing this, I wouldn't wish it any other way. I'm proud of my honesty. It makes me me and ignites really unique-ly SuAn experiences. Hmm....this is all profound in my head, but at the same time....duh, it's really not. God I fucking love life's duality.

And I love when I realize how ridiculously stupid I am. I think that will always happen, and it may be one of life's greatest blessings. I think those precise moments are key developing/growth/maturing moments.

Back to my honesty, I don't think I could have such the clarity that I have if I wasn't as honest as I am. Honesty and openness are simultaneous occurances. You can't have one without the other, and, in fact, I think honesty and openness are components of clarity.

I know this will sound contradictory to something I said before, but it's not. Honesty and openness incites and nourises reciprocation from the universe. That's true of any energy you put into the universe, it comes back to you just the same. Fucking amazing. Before I said it gives people the open door to shit on you and it does.
Because wow it's true. AAHHH, it's all entertwined and shit but hear this:
I'm open to being shit on, always
I welcome and embrace the universe with open arms, it's whole entirety.
Understand, I'm also open to being valued and respected.
I take what's given.

My insides will spill out and the outsides will mingle and mesh inside me, constantly


Besides some tangible occurance (yeah I like the word occurance now) like developing a retardation disease or hmmm......I was gonna say something along the lines of I wonder if you can ever regress, does *it* always get closer, never further? But I couldn't possibly know the answer to that question, or even try to fathom. Because as I was thinking on that, my mind gave me death. I was going to say "or getting into some debilitating accident" but that wouldn't necessarily cause you to regress, even if you got brain damage. Perhaps it gives you a big shove closer to *it* instead. And is death *it*? And same with retardation, who's to say those people don't have it together more than I do. Yeah, and anyone really. Cool, that was a good lesson.


My words make me soooo happy. I love being so keen on words. Words allow me to share myself with others. Not that I can't do that without words...hmmmm...without words.



Why I love you
Because you alone can keep me occupied
Because we both love to talk
Because you are honest, even in your chaos and confusion
Because of your hugs
Because of your scent
Because I know I'm supposed to, the *coincidences*



I know you
there are no secrets
I can see it all
Let's talk
I love words

don't be embarassed and
don't scoff



soooo sleepy

03:43 pm: Equinoxing
Turned in an rental application at this dude's townhome in NE right off Alberta, werd. He's all naturopathic medicine and chill motherfucker. Hope he has some hot mature lesbian friends for the hook up.

School starts next week. I get paid the day before, gotta buy bus pass and books. This will be fun. I'm just going to disappear into routine the next couple months. And hopefully something good will come of it.

Meg we're going to see Tegan and Sara in October so you better plan for it. I even got your ticket, fucker.

I have to go to work after this. I'm all bloated and gasey, it hurts...bah. Hopefully I'll get the word that I can move my shit tomorrow, if so I'll pack up tonight and move as soon as I wake up.

How much have I changed between this post and the last post?

03:04 pm: Can't handle the heat?
Then get out of the game. Alot of people are just too cool for Portland. Keep the fire alive, P town, I love you more than ever.


Portland just is;
so am I

07:54 pm: I thought the dying was then. It's now. The real death, is occuring. Or constantly dying. Never-ending sort of shit.

09:05 am: Happy St. Patty's Day

too bad I can't go out and get fuckt up tonight....lucky everybody else
I should get holiday pay for this shit.

I'm sooooo stuffed. Had breakfast at the Roxy, yummm.

I hold my bachelor status sacred, much like my virginity. Not just any ol' body can take it from me.
But on the real, where the hell is my Ms. Rightnow!? Goddammit.

Actually I'm pretty fuckin damn happy these fresh days. Things are going well. I'm gonna stay vague cause I'm not trying to talk shit up. I wanna wait through to the end of the long haul, it's only the begining of the motherfucking trek.




"If I am King..."
"...then I will be Queen, cheers!" *guzzle guzzle*
"Word up!" *guzzle guzzle*









I will be King!




Bloc Party - Like Eating Glass



And hey! Josh Pershin! Where the fuck are you??

08:05 pm: coming up now
I'm doing well.

So far so good.

I'm DieSeL. highspeed shit.

Working graveyard is fun. On to that then.

12:40 am: I really do have a lazy eye...
hence my crooked glasses.

I like to play the Inna game.

Lemonjelly - Experiment No. 6

I just ate a whole bowl of old oatmeal.

KBOO's volunteer meeting is tomorrow...
"eyelids flicker"

shudder to think

12:43

The Smiths - Shoplifters of the World Unite

I cut my hair. again. I think I'm done.

Ani DiFranco - Two Little Girls

Ahhh, brushed teeth.

I have a playground with a huuge merry-go-round and a smoking tree. :)

Pavement - Fight This Generation

I got a camel back for christmas. from me.

Sleater-Kinney - Ironclad

It hasn't snowed here.

TV On The Radio - Staring at the Sun

ok

experiment ends

11:49 pm: Watch out cause she bout ta get organized!
So, I've spent 21 years brooding....and here now, out of the rubble, yeah, it'll all come together, suddenly. The real digging will commence. The rediscovery is a keystone moment, the ignition. And I had to loose myself to allow the possibility of this divine ignition. 'Don't stop' said I to myself, the only direction available to me whatsoever. How unnerving it is to not be able to count on perception or reason or any of that normal stuff, just pure intuition. GOOD GOD, sounds superhuman, to think of it gives me shivers. But I survived it. That makes me feel unstoppable! free! boundless! AAAHHH!

I am the wind!

11:16 pm: She lives: SuAn's near-death recovery
The iced oatmeal cookies I've been woofing down contain less than 2% fish gelatin. I love music that makes my booty bounce uh yeah, Yeah Yeah Yeahs rock. "Date With the Night" I just saw Le Tigre when they came through here to the Roseland Theater. Baaaadass. My bootie was goin crazy, I couldn't fight it even if I wanted to. I wanna see Murder By Death this Friday with the Weakerthans and some other bands headlining. But I probably won't. I'm trying to manage my money and get things I need more first. Because it's not like I won't have the opportunity again in less than a month I'm sure. That's just one of the many reasons why Murder By Death is so fucking cool. Fuck, when I finally do get around to going to their show, I'm gonna go all out and spend money on their CD (maybe 2 or each album they have) and a T-shirt. Hell fuckin' yeah. 'Murder By Death you have a fan in me.' It's crazy that Modest Mouse is getting so big. They're playing FOUR dates this month at one of the most well-known venues in Portland, Crystal Ballroom. I don't know how I feel about their fame. In a way I think, since they've gotten this far, I expect them to become downright legendary. Yeah, something along the lines of... Johnny Cash. Took me awhile to come up with that.

Now that I've finished that bag of oatmeal cookies, time for me to hit the sack. Good night internet world.

04:58 pm: I saw Tegan and Sara with Melissa Ferrick last night. The show broke me. Now I have $5 dollars to live on for the next week...actually two. Boy, I love living on the edge.

Melissa really is an amazing guitarist, I always knew, but it sure is something else to see her fingers working it, live, right there not five feet away. Boy, oh boy.

My living situation is less than ideal. It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for my crackwhore roommate. Things will change though, they always do.

They always do.

She believes: acceptance is the answer
I accept

03:22 pm: faking ties
I'm back in Portland, curled up in the belly of the dragon. I'll make it out alive.

So things are smoldering, but I will be stronger.

Wish me well, as if you cared.

12:10 am: I can do anything
So I'm in Atlanta. Just got home about an hour ago. Mom hasn't come home from work yet. Man alive what an adventure I had getting here. Since she cut me down on the phone....I left work early took off on my bike down Barbur, flying right. It starts raining and shit. I get to the Union Station train depot right at 9, right when they close, at 9. I call the 800 number and I can reserve my ticket, but now it costs $110. Even so, I'm like $40 bucks short cause then I need to by my standby spot on AirTran. Anyways, so I'm pretty depressed, I call Jordan up while I'm waiting for the bus to go home cause no way I'm biking home in the downpour all beaten and failure. Jordan is on his way downtown with Rico and Milea and Milea brings me a shirt and sweatshirt to change out of my stinky work shirt and hang with them. How sweet. So I get high in what seems like days, meet some chill people, drink a couple Pabsts and kick it with Jordan one of my most favorite people on this earth. Jordan fuckin ends up loaning me the fucking $40 I need. I left pretty much right then to reserve my ticket on the phone and deposit the money into my account. Then I bike home in the downpour, happy and success.

So I leave by noon the next day (yesterday) and I make it to Union Station again, dish out the $110 and it hurts. The train was alright, nothing too special, probably because I couldn't see, once we got into Cali it got dark. But I got lucky cause the lady sitting in the window seat next to me moved because she felt like she was bothering me because she was in and out of her seat and I was just sitting there. So lucky me I get both seats. I utilize them of course, huddled cozy under my blanket that I took from Ben. I couldn't really sleep but two hours at 6am. Got to San Francisco Bay at 8 am....guess that was this morning. Beautiful beautiful city. Took the bus over the bay bridge into the city. Amazing. I will live there one day. I found my way to the BART, SF's subway system. And sifted out 4.95 in the coins I've been saving to get me to the airport. The airtran people there were hella bitches. Not nice people at all, I think cause I was doing x-fares and they don't respect that, cheap ass youngster. Then they wouldn't take my ATM card, so I went to the ATM but it wouldn't dispense $10s so I had $80 instead of $90 and the ticket is $85. I can't take out another $20 because all I have left in there is fucking 10 dollars. But luckily I got them to charge the extra $5 on my credit card, they weren't at all happy about doing so. But I got my ticket, then fuckin security all cautions me when I hand them my ticket, announcing "Second class Female" on the intercom. I had to go to a seperate line, but my shit in a brown box instead of the grey ones like everyone else. Then they went through allll my shit, including the dirty laundry I had shoved in there, and did a body search with those metal detector things. God damn, and I'm all "what the hell is second class?" Everyone was all looking at me like I was a goddamn terrorist. Then the guy searching my shit got all proud when he found the utility tool Jason gave me in my book bag on my keychain. The look on that boy's face, like he had just single-handedly saved the country or someshit. This lady comes and all explains to me how it's a hazard blah blah, "whatever, take it." god they're all over my shit like I care. Then the fucking guy on the plain jacked my pretzels! asshole.

Anyway, I get to Atlanta, 8 east time, 5 west time. And I BARELY have enough for the Marta to get home. Again, I'm sifting through my change and I have 25 cents in pennies. Marta doesn't take pennies, which is DUMB! And I couldn't get the cashier to believe that those pennies were all the money I had. Reluctantly she took my pennies, making a show of putting them in a plastic baggy seperate from all her other monies, and handed me the token.

Somehow I made it from the transit station to near my mom's house, it was like, I willed it so it came. I did a bit of walking though, I mean, I'm fine with a little suffering. I look like a total bum, maybe this is where I can stop looking like a streetkid. But I don't know, how will I get home. I don't need to worry about that now though, for now, where's my mommy!? And then I need to get to South Carolina to get my shit and hang with peeps and then we'll see where things stand. I need a rest. rest rest rest

03:29 pm: sinergy
Yo yo

So I'm chillin in Portland. Enjoying my day off of work. I had yesterday off too but I slept through it cause the new dude who moved in gave me and Ben Collalapins or whatevers, downers basically that knocked us out for hourssss. Ben even missed work. He's made it today but he's all tired and shit and butt hurt. He's so depressed and bitching lately. I'm trying not to be but right now I'm alittle down but I'm up and down and up and down lately probably because the shit I'm feeding my body. Haven't smoked in a couple days too that's probably driving me a litte ppppssssycho too. I took a something today though so I'm all out and about. I was happy earlier. Uppers are my thing, downers have me wondering what I did with my day. I did something I've never done but it was like...it was like every thing and every body was telling me to do it, making the perfect situation for doing it. So I did it, and I smiled at the man and told him "have a nice day" and it was fine, now I have a badly needed new pair of jeans.

I'm going to try to hit up this open-mic thing on the east side of town. Tamara J. Brown is heading it up and I'd like to shoot the shit with her for a bit since I played her tunes on my show back in South Cackalacka. And shit maybe I'll even get on stage though it's been weeks since I've fucked around on a geetar.

Speaking of south carolina,

I should be in South Carolina on October 8th. I'll be on my way to Atlanta from San Francisco on the 6th and then I'll be driving back home with all my shit on the 12th or 13th or something like that.

Dammit, now I gotta kill time until 7 and I have nothing to do but I need something to do ARGH!

11:15 am: I love the steep climb
Duuuude,

So what a weird day. It's all rainy, and I like rainy. But so, I was awoken (word?) this morning by a call, I answered it accidentally and it was the operator with my mom on the other line because she didn't have my new number even though I gave it to her two different ways. Anyways, Mom called to tell me that Bubba wants to give me his car. WHA?! Hell yeah, right? Thing is, I can't drive it back to Portland. How fucked up is that! The car is too old my ass. If you're giving it to me, I live in Portland. So how can it be mine if I can't take it HOME with me?! I told her I'd consider it. She thinks I'll consider coming back to USC for the spring semester and taking Bubba's car. No, I'm considering how I can convince her to let take the car back with me. This car would be fucking thousands of prayers come true for me. AND it's MANUAL! Yeah!

Ok and then, hahaha. I took off on my bike this morning to stop by the Chevron and tell the manager my new number in case she wanted to hire me because she really seemed like she liked me when I went in there and she said she was hiring soon. But so I decided to tell the 711 my new number first, because I also applied there and it was only a little ways down the road. The 711 lady was SUCH a bitch to me! I go in there all, "Hi, may I speak with the manager"
She's this older lady, all frowns and grumpy, with long curly thin black gray hair. And she's long curly and thin. And her glasses are long curly and thin. And her sweater is long curly and thin. And she says, "I can help you, just let me take care of my customers first."
Because I'm not a customer because I'm not giving her my money. Ok whatever, understandable, so next, she's done and I say "I applied for a job here about a week ago and I just wanted to come in because I just changed my number to a Portland area code and I wanted to let you know just in case." And she looks at me....
And I'm like, "So are you guys looking to hire soon?"
And she's like, "I don't hire people with...these things." She gestures on her face where I have my lip and laberet pierced.
My first thought is, Um...discrimination? I say, "Oh, that's...strange." Maybe she took offense to that, "No, we aren't hiring." All I wanted was for the bitch to placate me and take down my number! Toss the shit in the can when I leave for all I care. God, she was horrible and I could've cried. Except that I new Chevron was next and with how horrible she was to me I knew something good was bound at Chevron. So yeah, the manager was super cool again, guess she likes me and so I got the job. I'm off now to take the U.A. Good stuff.

Now I just need to talk to her. I haven't TALKED to her since I've been back. I've only let her talk to me. I've been too afraid. And too hurt. Stupid stupid heart things.

So things are going in a good direction.
Just, about that vehicle.

09:42 pm: bitches n hoez
I'm in Portland bitches! home
I'm staying with Ben in this fatty house. Trying to do the job hunting shit yet again.
Getting jerked around by her.
My mom's pretty upset, especially now that school has started over there. It'll take time. She needs to understand that I'm happy.
I don't have access to a computer or anything for the time being. We're at Ben's mom's nice ass house, they're outta town. We ate us some dank BLTs and guacamole. Yum. I was supposed to go to Seattle this weekend. But we're going to try to go weekend after next. ANYWAYS, I just wanted to update this shiznet real fast. I'm outtie.

05:26 pm: So I got a job. It's dumb and they laugh at me and make me feel like I'm in middle school again.

I got an interview for another job.

I don't think I'll go to either. Depending on whether or not I talk to Ben. I hope I talk to him today. I hope I'm on my way tonight.

02:14 pm: Jesus, somebody please, what's the deal with Nader and the green party nomination? Do they have their official nominee? Did Nader drop out of the nomination? Is he still running? What?

Am I just stupid or are the papers being super ambiguous about that shit.
\/\/hatev!

Tiger kitty is exhibiting predatory behavior.
Part of Gijibae's fur is a beautiful grey-blue.
PiPi can't climb out of the box, his belly is too big.
I love kitties!

02:44 pm: whirlwind
I might live in Portland after all. This is good, because Portland has my soul. Ben is my saviour. I hope it isn't all too good to be true. All I need is for Ben to rig me up some residency validation so I can go to school, and I think he can.

04:37 pm: pee pee the kitty
I'm depressed. Shit needs to start going my way cause I'm tired of being patient.

I went to KGRG to see about doing RadioOUTLoud there. The way they train DJs is through the radio production class, so I have to take the class to get a slot. How dumb. But I might, who knows.

I'm ready to find a cute girl to be my girlfriend.


I will eat you alive I will eat you alive I will eat you alive I will eat you alive I will eat you alive I will eat you alive I will eat you alive I will eat you alive I will eat you alive I will eat you alive I will eat you alive

01:41 am: force a fate
Tomorrow I'm gonna see about a job unloading trucks. Good money man. If I land this, that's a step closer to the place in Auburn. And that is a step closer to Olympia, a step closer to residency, a step closer to Evergreen State, a step closer to fuckface.

Found some new queer musicians. Among the most interesting, Katastrophe - a FTM hip-hop artist and Justin & de Marco - a gay christian pop duo, sweet stuff.
Evergreen has a functioning radio station. I don't know how cool it is. But I could probably work RadioOUTLoud into the lineup once I'm there. I miss doing the show anyway.

I took the bus to Seattle last night, walked through a bit of the Pike Street Market, then down to Broadway (where all the queers and freaks roam), then found the LGBT Center.

Junco had her kittens. There are three, born on the 5th. They still haven't opened their eyes. They're the cutest things, I want one.

I miss music. I need a computer with speakers and high speed internet. Ahhh, poor me. Patience will pay off...one day.